Proud Of Who I Am!

So in previous blog and vlog entries I have discussed how I have basically had my status in the past placed all over facebook and how I had people calling and texting me asking if I had AIDS and if I was going to die.  It was such an humiliating experience that made me leave social media all together.  The last thing I needed at that time where I was not even comfortable with my status were people talking about it to my face, behind my back, and having my family members who thought I was going to die find out that my little secret was out.

Disconnecting from social media all his time was not hard at all.  To be honest with you it was a much mental break because besides escaping what I felt like was a scarlet plus sign (+) it allowed me the time I needed to escape its grasps and focus that energy on getting things done.  Rather than being so fixated on constantly seeing and competing (YES I AM GOING TO BE HONEST) with what everyone else was doing I was marching to the beat of my own drum.  The feeling being so totally independent was empowering.  I was truly able to find myself throughout this past year.

From time to time I did think about coming back on; however, I was afraid to look at my inbox, direct messages, or mentions about me so therefore I stayed away.  It is quite sad on how something so petty like a facebook account could keep me away from people from so long.  Friends graduated from school, had babies, started awesome careers, or moved to new locations and I was not able to be in the loop on those things and I feel so bad about it.

To be honest about things I also did not know how people would react to the news.  I will be the first to admit but the old me was a cross between Wendy Williams and one of those gossiping queens you see reading people with no shame… just always up in someones business.  Because of that I knew for a fact that if I was doing it and talking about other people then they were doing it about me, and for the first time in my life I realized how hurtful it was (I really could not stand the heat in the kitchen).  There was a fear of what my peers would think.  Would they think I contracted the virus by being promiscuous and sleeping around with just anyone?  Would they thing that I was a druggie and always needed a fix?  Would they think that I was less than them?  Would they think that I did not deserve to be around them, their children, or groups of friends?  These things ran through my mind and the last thing I wanted was to walk back into the hallways of Phoebus High School or hell even Hampton, Virginia at that and have people whispering or staring me down.  It placed me in a shell and I refused to let anyone in unless I knew for a fact they had my best interest.  For that time I only had four people who were not family nor a traitor.  These four people stood by my side and gave me constant encouragement and I think that it would only be suitable to let you know who they were.  JP, Davia, Corey, and Donna were in my corner every step of the way and kept my spirits up through it all.  There were days were I did not want to get out of bed but a simple text from Davia saying “Wake that ass up,”… or “Where the hoes at?” was all it took to make me laugh and tackle the day.  Having JP there emotional and showing me that there was love after something so traumatic also made it that much easier.  Hugs from Corey and having someone to talk to and go to my appointments or talk medications was also great to have.  To have Donna there to keep my spirits up with words of encouragements and unconditional love also did wonders for my spirit.  You see, social media did nothing but place me in a constant panic and in my belief everything happens for a reason.  So, I needed to take a break and spend some face-to-face time with people.

This month I have to some extent completed my metamorphosis and am now able to say that I am honestly proud of who I am.  I tell people that if it was not for HIV I would not be the responsible, mature, outgoing, and devoted friend/brother/cousin/employee/etc. that I am today.  See we all have to go through difficult situations to grow and better ourselves.  I wish someone would sit here and say to themselves that they have grown and matured without having to go through hardships………….. my point exactly.

So tonight I reactivated my Facebook because not the HIV/AIDS community that I live in needs to know that we are just as normal and fun as anyone else, but my friends, family, and colleagues need to know the same as well.

I am no longer afraid of possibly missing out on a job or fake friends because of my status because I know that in my life there is a greater purpose and something so much bigger than myself.  For sure I will make it to where I need to go (rather the road is easy or not).

So with that said if you love me then love me… if you hate me then keep it pumping because 2013 is the year of change and making things happen……..

I simply do not have the time to entertain negative thoughts or actions, and this also includes any form of shenanigans or tomfoolery.

Love,

Patrick