Sinking in Quicksand

I think all of us reach a certain moment in our life when we are in a situation where we are stuck (relationship, work, mentally, physically, emotionally) yet we want to go move on to someone else but do to simple or complex reasons cannot.  In my previous entry I discussed my weird thought process of how life worked.  Well, in this special case this is when the situation we are in halts in time, waiting for us to make the much difficult move we are contemplating.

For me I am in a couple of different situations.  Ever since I was diagnosed with HIV I have made a promise to myself that I would not longer settle for the status quo.  This virus has placed me in a position to now see that life is so fragile and materialistic things are just that.  I told myself something that we should all tell ourselves, which is to spend more time growing ourselves.  For me I realized that I would not be in love nor comfortable with the person I am without taking the time to truly get acquainted with Patrick.  Everyone should at one/many point(s) know themselves and never be in a situation where they feel like they are a stranger to themselves.

Due to the time I took to get to know myself I finally know what is holding me in the quicksand.  The next step is coming up with a plan to get out of it. See quicksand is tricky because the more you move it in the more you sink; therefore, you have to make a quick and well planned moved to escape.  By using this comparison with my own life situations I know that being in a situation I do not see positive progress is only drowning me and my overall potential.  On top of that by dabbling in your situation that you are in by thinking “it will get better,” or “time will tell,” only makes you sink faster making it that much harder to leave when you finally make up our mind because you are so invested.

Being stuck sucks and it is not fun at all.  I dread waking up in the morning because I have to face the quicksand knowing that with each day that goes by it is sinking me.  It is very difficult to be a situation where you know you need to move on, yet stipulations or a sense of false-security entitles you to stay.  I for one am working on trying to have the strength to have conviction in my decisions.  If I want out then I will use 100 percent of my energy to exit stage left.  Please know that in whatever negative situation you are in can be resolved by you seeing what will get you out of the situation the fastest, keeping your head down and focused on your goal, and jumping out of that sand that is draining our life day by day.

A very close friend and confidant shared this quote with me today and I would like to share it with you.

“We have only this moment, sparking like a star in our hand…and melting like a snowflake.  Let us use it before it is too late.” – Marie Beynon

Every Beginning Has An Ending

So for the past couple of weeks I have come down sick.  At first my nose was running, which made me think it was just allergies or something.  Well two weeks later I am sitting here not able to breathe and dealing with a lung infection.  For me it is so strange and I can only attribute it to my HIV.  Before I would feel like I was coming on with a cold and  take some vitamins and a DayQuil and wake up the next day at 100 percent.  I tried the same remedy this time around and I woke up the next day feeling worse.

You see I don’t have the same immune system like I had before.  It has been severely compromised.  My T-Cell count was 116 when I was diagnosed.  Thank God I am at 240 and with an undetectable viral load to this day; however, a normal CD4 count in other negative individuals can be up in the thousands (usually between 800-1400 but average around 800-900).  So I went to my doctors office at Whitman Walker , which is apart of my four week check-in for the clinical trial  I am on (cobicistat), to give some blood for some tests to be run (which check my CD4 count, Viral Load, sugar levels, kidney function, and cholesterol).  They take about five vials of blood and it is quick and easy (I as well as many other HIV Positive people quickly get used to this part).  They take your vitals and ask you questions like when did you last take your medication and how you are feeling.  At this point I tell her how I was not feeling well and she told me to mention that to the physician that was scheduled to see me.  So to fast forward I saw the doctor and had my physical.  Also, I was told that my lungs were indeed infected.  So I was prescribed some medication and sent along my way.  Now for the next few days I am stuck taking multiple pills (2 Prezistas, 1Truvada, 1 Cobicistat, 1/2 Zpac/Antibiotic, 1 Pill to help with coughing, 1 vitamin) which really is not a big deal (one would think it would depress however not so much on my end).  

I guess I always fear that I will relapse and end up sick like I was when I was first diagnosed. The fear that my medical regiment to keep HiV at bay will not work is something that is always visibly clear in the back of my head.  I know that in life everyone goes through something rather it is financial, emotional, physically, etc. The bigger picture is that we all have our flaws but how we work to overcome these short comings or life changes is what really matters.

Even as a child I equated life to something similar as  “The Circle of Life.”  We are always out of something, about to go through something, in something, or just getting out of something.  This is a continuous cycle that never ends.  A phase may stall or take longer but it will continue at some point.  WIth all the good and the bad that has come with being positive I have become fixated more on instant gratification.  I want to do so much before the end of my time; however, I truly struggle slowing it down.

Regardless if we are rich, poor, healthy, sick, black, white, gay, straight, or whatever comparison you want to give we will all meet our maker at the end of the day (some later than others).  So all good things must come to an end.

-Patrick

A Not So Social + Guy

So I am finally getting a hang of this blogging thing.  I find it so cool that people are reading.  It seriously means so much to me. A few days ago I was having a conversation with a father like figure of mines (I call him my gay father) and he asked me where my facebook went.  He was under

the impression that I went on a blocking spree and he was a victim of it.  It was actually much deeper and pressing issue than just me wanting to remove people from my life.  When I found out I was HIV Positive I did something that I still regret to this day.  I told a person who I will call “Ron,” about my new diagnosis.  Well this spread like wildfire across the social media spectrum and the rumors began to start shortly after.  I began to receive so many messages asking if there was anything that I wants to say or if I was going to die from AIDS.  I was so shocked to hear such accusations that I began to panic and stress myself out; however,  I tried to not let it get to me.

The situation that really threw me over the edge took place on Facebook one evening on February 4, 2011.  I got home and loaded up my Facebook and found something that looked strange coming from someone who I considered my friend’s profile.  I notice one picture that turned out to be a needle in his arm

and what looked like blood going into a tube.  Another picture showed results of a HIV test that showed negative.  Now the next statement is what still keeps me fearful from social media to this day.  Shockingly I read his status that said something to the effect of there being diseased people with AIDS around him who will do nothing but infect everyone around him.  The status continued to say that people who were dying and spreading their AIDS was not welcome with his friends.  At that point I was literally sitting there with my mouth wide open, so surprised that my secret was finally out, maybe not with my name attached but still exposed enough to want to hide away under a rock.

At that point I blocked the guy who said those harmful things and anyone closely associated with him.  I felt so naked and lost but ended up deactivating my Facebook page.  Minutes later I noticed that people on my twitter were talking about my posted pictures and saying that I looked like an alien.  Those twitter comments may not have been related to HIV however it hurt me so much that people were saying such mean things to me, a person who minded his own business and really stayed to himself.  At that point I told myself I was over it and decided to completely pull away from social media.

My excuse?  Well it was simply that I was becoming too obsessed with social media and it was absorbing my life.  Yes, that was true but if I was not called out I would still be an active user giving my friends and follower about my day-to-day and minute-by-minute commentary.  Things definitely have changed for the better.  The time off really gave me time to really grow as an individual.  I have become stronger.  I have reached a point in my life where I am more confident with myself and honestly I just don’t care about the negative things people have to say about me.  When I was a kid my parents always used to tell me that for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction.  So as an adult and as a mature individual I take full responsibility for my actions  and the results of them.  I am proud to say that I am a gay black male who is HIV positive.  Like I always say being HIV positive is a double-edged sword.  The great thing about my condition is that I finally have more appreciation for life, my health, and my friends/family who love me to death.

So due to this overwhelming growth and confidence, this HIV positive guy has finally made the decision to return to social media.  I will return and talk about my experiences and no longer be afraid of what people think and say.  Through my life I have come to realize that words can equate the same feeling of being stabbed in the heart or just feeling plain worthless.  Negative words and put downs seriously suck; however, I have come to realize the importance of being stronger than such verbage.  If I can say anything to my readers it would be to stay strong and to never let hurtful words put you down.  We all go through ups in downs in life however life is seriously an epic journey with the goal of making it to the end alive and with great experiences to pass on to others.

In 2013 I strive to be more goal oriented and to let people know that I am just a regular guy living a quite so positive life.  Social media.. look out here I come…

A Not So Social + Guy

So I am finally getting a hang of this blogging thing.  I find it so cool that people are reading.  It seriously means so much to me. A few days ago I was having a conversation with a father like figure of mines (I call him my gay father) and he asked me where my facebook went.  He was under

the impression that I went on a blocking spree and he was a victim of it.  It was actually much deeper and pressing issue than just me wanting to remove people from my life.  When I found out I was HIV Positive I did something that I still regret to this day.  I told a person who I will call “Ron,” about my new diagnosis.  Well this spread like wildfire across the social media spectrum and the rumors began to start shortly after.  I began to receive so many messages asking if there was anything that I wants to say or if I was going to die from AIDS.  I was so shocked to hear such accusations that I began to panic and stress myself out; however,  I tried to not let it get to me.

The situation that really threw me over the edge took place on Facebook one evening on February 4, 2011.  I got home and loaded up my Facebook and found something that looked strange coming from someone who I considered my friend’s profile.  I notice one picture that turned out to be a needle in his arm

and what looked like blood going into a tube.  Another picture showed results of a HIV test that showed negative.  Now the next statement is what still keeps me fearful from social media to this day.  Shockingly I read his status that said something to the effect of there being diseased people with AIDS around him who will do nothing but infect everyone around him.  The status continued to say that people who were dying and spreading their AIDS was not welcome with his friends.  At that point I was literally sitting there with my mouth wide open, so surprised that my secret was finally out, maybe not with my name attached but still exposed enough to want to hide away under a rock.

At that point I blocked the guy who said those harmful things and anyone closely associated with him.  I felt so naked and lost but ended up deactivating my Facebook page.  Minutes later I noticed that people on my twitter were talking about my posted pictures and saying that I looked like an alien.  Those twitter comments may not have been related to HIV however it hurt me so much that people were saying such mean things to me, a person who minded his own business and really stayed to himself.  At that point I told myself I was over it and decided to completely pull away from social media.

My excuse?  Well it was simply that I was becoming too obsessed with social media and it was absorbing my life.  Yes, that was true but if I was not called out I would still be an active user giving my friends and follower about my day-to-day and minute-by-minute commentary.  Things definitely have changed for the better.  The time off really gave me time to really grow as an individual.  I have become stronger.  I have reached a point in my life where I am more confident with myself and honestly I just don’t care about the negative things people have to say about me.  When I was a kid my parents always used to tell me that for every action there is an equal but opposite reaction.  So as an adult and as a mature individual I take full responsibility for my actions  and the results of them.  I am proud to say that I am a gay black male who is HIV positive.  Like I always say being HIV positive is a double-edged sword.  The great thing about my condition is that I finally have more appreciation for life, my health, and my friends/family who love me to death.

So due to this overwhelming growth and confidence, this HIV positive guy has finally made the decision to return to social media.  I will return and talk about my experiences and no longer be afraid of what people think and say.  Through my life I have come to realize that words can equate the same feeling of being stabbed in the heart or just feeling plain worthless.  Negative words and put downs seriously suck; however, I have come to realize the importance of being stronger than such verbage.  If I can say anything to my readers it would be to stay strong and to never let hurtful words put you down.  We all go through ups in downs in life however life is seriously an epic journey with the goal of making it to the end alive and with great experiences to pass on to others.

In 2013 I strive to be more goal oriented and to let people know that I am just a regular guy living a quite so positive life.  Social media.. look out here I come…

New Awakening

So this weekend was a very interesting one indeed.  Last week I was invited to attended an event called R.I.S.E ( which stands for Rewriting Inner Scripts Everyday).  Before I attend any events I always have to research what I am getting myself into.  I was invited by a guy who works at NOVAM (Northern Virginia AIDS Ministry) who I met at an AIDS Day event I spoke at for the organization (now the Prevention Collective).  Since being diagnosed with HIV I now want to give back even more to my community.  I think it is crazy on how certain life events can cause people to become almost obsessive on an issue that closely affects them.  I am a face-to-face speaker and through this program I go into schools and other organizations and tell my story on how I got HIV.  I also discuss how my life has forever changed  so it is pretty much like my life story (just mentioning HIV).  Anyway back to the retreat.  I woke up Saturday morning and made my way to the retreat.  There I was super nervous because there are people who were negative influences in my life.  There was a point in time in which I was a very dark and messy person.  That part of my life I blacked out and therefore I was praying to God that I did not run into anyone.  Also, I was fearful I would run into someone who I had a sexual encounter with (let’s be Frank in my past I was having sex) who was not aware of my status for whatever reason.  Walking in I was super anxious but put that aside as I talked to a few people.  Quickly I realized that I would definitely be forced to open up my walls and make new long lasting friendships.  

At the RISE retreat and through my research I learned it was an intervention that was intended for African American men who have sex with men (MSM) between the ages of 18-29.  It was structured to spread knowledge about HIV, build self-confidence, and reduce the feelings of feeling of oppression in the gay African American community.  Our facilitator told us from the jump that we would be pushed well beyond our limits.  It was always explained to us that this is a an intervention for us to truly look inside ourselves for issues that we are dealing with, recognize them, and begin the process of repairing what has been damaged (these things cannot be fixed over the weekend).  The program is intended to help with break the feelings of homophobia and its negativity.  RISE also helps to reclaim our personal power.  

I recommend that if there is any program like this in your area you should definitely look into attending.  I am not going to go into much detail about it however I can say that at the end of the day we discussed issues that our prevalent in the LGBT African American Community and came up with solutions to the problem.  What I can say to everyone is that we need to spread awareness about HIV/AIDS and stigma related to both HIV/AIDS and being an even greater minority overall by being Black/Latino and LGBT.  

At the end of the day I feel like it is the responsibility of individuals who are educated to help spread the word and the solutions to break the cycle of oppression and negativity in Black America.  We are the key, the solution and by working together we can help dramatically decrease new HIV infection rates, reduce STDs, and help dissolve the different shades of stigma that are still present today.  

Together we can do it !

-Patrick

New Awakening

So this weekend was a very interesting one indeed.  Last week I was invited to attended an event called R.I.S.E ( which stands for Rewriting Inner Scripts Everyday).  Before I attend any events I always have to research what I am getting myself into.  I was invited by a guy who works at NOVAM (Northern Virginia AIDS Ministry) who I met at an AIDS Day event I spoke at for the organization (now the Prevention Collective).  Since being diagnosed with HIV I now want to give back even more to my community.  I think it is crazy on how certain life events can cause people to become almost obsessive on an issue that closely affects them.  I am a face-to-face speaker and through this program I go into schools and other organizations and tell my story on how I got HIV.  I also discuss how my life has forever changed  so it is pretty much like my life story (just mentioning HIV).  Anyway back to the retreat.  I woke up Saturday morning and made my way to the retreat.  There I was super nervous because there are people who were negative influences in my life.  There was a point in time in which I was a very dark and messy person.  That part of my life I blacked out and therefore I was praying to God that I did not run into anyone.  Also, I was fearful I would run into someone who I had a sexual encounter with (let’s be Frank in my past I was having sex) who was not aware of my status for whatever reason.  Walking in I was super anxious but put that aside as I talked to a few people.  Quickly I realized that I would definitely be forced to open up my walls and make new long lasting friendships.  

At the RISE retreat and through my research I learned it was an intervention that was intended for African American men who have sex with men (MSM) between the ages of 18-29.  It was structured to spread knowledge about HIV, build self-confidence, and reduce the feelings of feeling of oppression in the gay African American community.  Our facilitator told us from the jump that we would be pushed well beyond our limits.  It was always explained to us that this is a an intervention for us to truly look inside ourselves for issues that we are dealing with, recognize them, and begin the process of repairing what has been damaged (these things cannot be fixed over the weekend).  The program is intended to help with break the feelings of homophobia and its negativity.  RISE also helps to reclaim our personal power.  

I recommend that if there is any program like this in your area you should definitely look into attending.  I am not going to go into much detail about it however I can say that at the end of the day we discussed issues that our prevalent in the LGBT African American Community and came up with solutions to the problem.  What I can say to everyone is that we need to spread awareness about HIV/AIDS and stigma related to both HIV/AIDS and being an even greater minority overall by being Black/Latino and LGBT.  

At the end of the day I feel like it is the responsibility of individuals who are educated to help spread the word and the solutions to break the cycle of oppression and negativity in Black America.  We are the key, the solution and by working together we can help dramatically decrease new HIV infection rates, reduce STDs, and help dissolve the different shades of stigma that are still present today.  

Together we can do it !

-Patrick

Where I am today

So now that I have made it through my fist year with HIV I have both negative and positive things about the experience.  I know for a fact that I evolved into a much stronger person.  Right from my initial diagnosis I was already accepting the fact that my life would be changed forever.  To be honest I was being apathetic for so long that I could no longer ignore nor turn my back to the truth.

I have learned so much since being diagnosed.  The greatest thing that I have learned is who my true friends are.  I refer to them as my roots because no matter what they are there supporting me.  When I first found out I was HIV positive I began telling people who I though were my friend.  Well they ended up spreading my business and it even reached social media.  I was  horrified when I noticed one of my facebook friends posting a picture of them getting blood work done and then seeing results stating that they were HIV Negative and saying that there were people who were diseased and positive among him and that they were not welcome.  That is when I felt as if I could  not trust anyone, so I deactivated my facebook account and left twitter.  I was so scared to go back and face the fact that people were talking about me; however, my roots over time helped me to gain my confidence and become a stronger person.  So throughout this year I developed the mentality of saying goodbye to people who were not #teampatrick.  In my mind if you are someone who I can’t trust then I keep you at arms length (a distance).

Another thing I learned was how fragile life is.  Throughout my life I never broke a bone or rarely was sick.  I was pretty much brought down to my knees by the lunch infection that kept me from talking a simple sentence.  I could not even walk a few feet without being out of breath.  This experience has showed me that my health is more valuable than any materialistic thing.  Now I am super focused on what I put into my body and I try to stay super healthy inside and out (especially inside since my body as been thrown out of its usual functions to this virus).  I have to be particular careful about what I put into my body because the medications filter through my liver and kidneys (so I have to keep them in tiptop shape).  I have to lay off of the fatty foods because my fat levels can easily increase now.  It is especially hard for me to work out due to the fact that I was truly never a fan of it (unless it was doing a sport or something).  So on top of the company that I keep I have to be careful of the food my health both inside and out.

This process has been what I call a metamorphosis.  Prior to being diagnosed I really did not want to be involved with my family much, nor did I have time for friends.  That has all changed because now I see or speak to my family daily and I stop anything I am doing to be there with my true friends.  The process continues to take place.  I am not perfect but I trying to keep my life going.  At this point that is all I can do.

The Beginning Of It All

I am a firm believer of telling my story from the past before I can talk about where my life is now.  If you have not figured out yet by the title of this then let me tell you.  I am Patrick Ingram and yes I am HIV Positive.  The next few posts will be journal entires I did on paper but best describe how things were a year ago.

December 2, 2011

So I guess I am using this as a way to vent and get all my frustrations and anger out. About the same time last year I was in a relationship with my partner, who was cheating on me with many people (I believe more than five) unprotected. I stayed with him up to a year and a half trying to make the relationship work; however, after him disrespecting my parents and me I left. Fast forward to know where my life was going great. I moved into an awesome apartment building, became independent, found true love, and a great set of friends. Dec. 1 (Thursday) I decided to go get tested. Now don’t get me wrong. I have gone before and tested negative, but something in me was telling me to go. I went and took the test and waited what seemed like the longest 26 minutes of my life. I will never forget moving over one seat to look at the nurse who administered the test (having her hands on her head) talk to another staff member with a look of fear on her face. See I was the first and only one who was there for testing on World Aids Day. Kind of bitter-sweet you know… Well at 12:30 I was given the news… Positive… The first thing I thought about was my partner… the second my mother….

It is two days later and I am very stressed, tired, weak, and just depressed. If it wasn’t for my partner I would not be able to make it. After given the news, I called him got him to go to the doctor and returned to work. I was back at work (distracted as hell) and had to keep the business going due to my superiors being out. I held back tears as my employees (the people who look up to me) came to me for advice and for guidance. I felt strong but so weak. My partner came straight to my office to provide some sort of support, which I will never forget. We both struggled to sleep that night. The following day was the toughest because with so much on my mind I had to lead my team, in which I did. The sick twist in it all… well today I had to attend an event where my ex (who I believe infected me) works. It was the toughest thing I had to do. Arriving into the building I was literally shaking. I had to excuse myself three times to pee nervously and to just look at myself in the mirror to try to motivate myself to stay. I made it… In the past few days I have been strong. I have forced myself to eat, stayed positive, and relied on my good friends (one who is positive and can relate) to be here for me. This has been the toughest three days of my life.

Monday I go to the doctor to be seen by a whole team who will get me on my way. I still think to some extent that this is a dream and either the test is wrong and that I will be negative, or that I will wake up from this. Monday the reality will sit in, I even look at myself in the mirror from head to toe. I have researched and read until I was sick of it. I am just ready for this journey. My biggest fear is losing my partner (I know crazy right). He has been so strong these last couple of days. I have noticed that he has back away. He isn’t holding me, kissing me, looking at me, or acting the same. I know this is an uphill battle; however, I just don’t want to lose the person who helped to turn my life around. I feel like I am in a sequel to the movie Precious. I feel like I am not really getting many W’s (wins) right now in life. I really just wanted to right, one so that anyone who is or has gone through this can relate and maybe help me get through this (due to me not ready to tell people) and two to just get it out there because internalizing is making me more tired and sick. If anyone of you believes in prayer… please pray for me, my family, my friends, and my partner as we go through a huge change.

http://www.youtube.com/pozlifeofpatrick

-Patrick